Envy

I envy those women who found a man who loves them deeply. They seem so happy and some of them even made mistakes and yet their husband/partner/boyfriend is there for them to lift them up and carry them through the rough time. Life is really unfair, there are women like myself who've given her love to someone and faithfully love that person and yet she is so miserable and she's always hurt for loving the man who doesn't deserve her love. I don't know what i have done wrong in this life to deserve be treated this way. I have going to friendster, i hate going to the malls and i have going to places where I see happy couples, see woman who've found the guy that treats them so preciously. Here I am seating and crying again. heeck I don't know even where my boyfriend is (what a shame eh?) how can I even tell myself I have a boyfriend when I don't even feel like I am included in his life, I don't even feel like he give a damn when he hurts me. I am so sick of myself, so tired for being an idiot and yet I sit her wait for him to give me his damn reason, yes he will make sure he gets his point and make it sound logical and he will make me feel as if I am such a bitch for not understanding him. I am tired trying to understand him, so sooo tiredddddddddddddd....................
I am sick of crying and yet tears just keeps falling from my eyes. I've spend almost all night and all morning crying again. I am starting to really dispice myself. I envy those woman who found someone who loves them and it makes me wonder when will it be my turn to be happy and find someone who will love him preciously, who will not do anything to hurt me, who will love me more than he love himself? Shittttt I hate my life and I hate me.... i really do. I am the master of all martyr and idiots, how can I hang on to something or someone that constantly hurts me? what the hell is wrong with me????????????????? what have i even done to be treated this way?
God I am so tired... please take me away from my misery.

Hunch

I been trying not to think of him but all day it’s been bugging. I have this hunch, a can’t put my finger if it’s a bad or a good one. I wish sometimes things are different, I hate being left with this kinda feeling I been feeling all day. I don’t know maybe I am being paranoid but maybe I am right. I cried again last night for no particular reason, I just cried because it hurts being in this situation and I am still confuse to what I should really be doing. I feel like walking in the middle of a cold war zone where there are bumps planted everywhere, where silence is very deceiving because things are just waiting to be triggered and I have to be careful what step to make otherwise things just blow me away. It’s the feeling of unsettlement, feeling of deep uncertainty to what awaits. I feel like I am being kept in the dark, isolated from his world with nothing but hope. Hope that he will do the right thing whatever that might be.
I told him he can do whatever he wants but I asked him to respect me enough to let me go first. Maybe I am putting too much hope in the situation that he will do the right thing, maybe walking away should be my decision given all the facts from the past. I don’t know what step to make and I am left with tears at night.
Is it still love or stupidity? I don’t know anymore, I try to re-channel my energy into other aspects of my life but when the day ends my thoughts still go back to lovelife issue. As sad as it may seem, I dwell on it… maybe that’s my real problem. Maybe the problem is within me really, maybe it’s been me all along.

I miss him really, it's kinda depressing coz I can't seem to express my feelings the proper way. I miss him and I wish him and I can communicate openly again. I wish we can share laughters, joy, or just simply share moments of our lives together.... grrrrrrrr what is wrong with me?????????


Anyway, I am tired creating a blog about it but it’s my only outlet. Hhmmm I spend my whole day reading-eating-sleeping-reading. I should get back studying; I still have one big research project to do.

I am superly inlove...

with a two-year old... hehehe you read that right, I have been inlove with baby Ern since day one and she gets older she becomes cuter. I so love that kid, she is such a stress relief, so sweet and smart. She is probably one of the sweetest kid I've met and so cute to. I love seeing her and getting a hug and kiss. She is just adorable, my younger sis and I go see her at least once a week, we just adore her.

New entry

I noticed I only write a blog when I am upset or mad, it's my way of expressing my emotions I guess. but when thigns are great my blog is empty so hereon I will write even when I am happy.:)

Today has been super busy at work so I came home late. Instead of going straight home I decided to go visit baby Ern, she is so cute. Such a stress relief to hang out with her even just for few minutes and I will admit I am inlove with a two year old. As a matter of fact I am not the only one inlove with her, my baby sis as well. Baby ern calls me at sometimes just to say hello and she tells me "i miss u tita, love you" she really meld my heart.

That's all for now, gotta go take a shower.

He said She said

Her: "Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love, is by far, the truest type of love.” <--- deeply wounded, are we? lol,,,, *sigh* nway i understand the feeling of these words
She said as she quoted his quotation in his profile.

Him: deliberately ignored her comment

Her: i hope your wounded heart will heal soon... it hurts even more to see/know that the one you love is hurting because of his unconditional love for somebody else
She said as she feel the tears drop form from her eyes.

Part of her says it isn’t true that he feels that way towards someone but the evil side of her still created the agony in her heart. Part of her knows there is a certain truth to what he put in there because of what she was told yesterday by the other party.

She signed off with tears and regretted even reading his profile.

He was annoyed saying he is tired of her believing what she sees in the net not knowing there is more into it why she thinks that.