Hunch

I been trying not to think of him but all day it’s been bugging. I have this hunch, a can’t put my finger if it’s a bad or a good one. I wish sometimes things are different, I hate being left with this kinda feeling I been feeling all day. I don’t know maybe I am being paranoid but maybe I am right. I cried again last night for no particular reason, I just cried because it hurts being in this situation and I am still confuse to what I should really be doing. I feel like walking in the middle of a cold war zone where there are bumps planted everywhere, where silence is very deceiving because things are just waiting to be triggered and I have to be careful what step to make otherwise things just blow me away. It’s the feeling of unsettlement, feeling of deep uncertainty to what awaits. I feel like I am being kept in the dark, isolated from his world with nothing but hope. Hope that he will do the right thing whatever that might be.
I told him he can do whatever he wants but I asked him to respect me enough to let me go first. Maybe I am putting too much hope in the situation that he will do the right thing, maybe walking away should be my decision given all the facts from the past. I don’t know what step to make and I am left with tears at night.
Is it still love or stupidity? I don’t know anymore, I try to re-channel my energy into other aspects of my life but when the day ends my thoughts still go back to lovelife issue. As sad as it may seem, I dwell on it… maybe that’s my real problem. Maybe the problem is within me really, maybe it’s been me all along.

I miss him really, it's kinda depressing coz I can't seem to express my feelings the proper way. I miss him and I wish him and I can communicate openly again. I wish we can share laughters, joy, or just simply share moments of our lives together.... grrrrrrrr what is wrong with me?????????


Anyway, I am tired creating a blog about it but it’s my only outlet. Hhmmm I spend my whole day reading-eating-sleeping-reading. I should get back studying; I still have one big research project to do.