Envy

I envy those women who found a man who loves them deeply. They seem so happy and some of them even made mistakes and yet their husband/partner/boyfriend is there for them to lift them up and carry them through the rough time. Life is really unfair, there are women like myself who've given her love to someone and faithfully love that person and yet she is so miserable and she's always hurt for loving the man who doesn't deserve her love. I don't know what i have done wrong in this life to deserve be treated this way. I have going to friendster, i hate going to the malls and i have going to places where I see happy couples, see woman who've found the guy that treats them so preciously. Here I am seating and crying again. heeck I don't know even where my boyfriend is (what a shame eh?) how can I even tell myself I have a boyfriend when I don't even feel like I am included in his life, I don't even feel like he give a damn when he hurts me. I am so sick of myself, so tired for being an idiot and yet I sit her wait for him to give me his damn reason, yes he will make sure he gets his point and make it sound logical and he will make me feel as if I am such a bitch for not understanding him. I am tired trying to understand him, so sooo tiredddddddddddddd....................
I am sick of crying and yet tears just keeps falling from my eyes. I've spend almost all night and all morning crying again. I am starting to really dispice myself. I envy those woman who found someone who loves them and it makes me wonder when will it be my turn to be happy and find someone who will love him preciously, who will not do anything to hurt me, who will love me more than he love himself? Shittttt I hate my life and I hate me.... i really do. I am the master of all martyr and idiots, how can I hang on to something or someone that constantly hurts me? what the hell is wrong with me????????????????? what have i even done to be treated this way?
God I am so tired... please take me away from my misery.