Tear Drops in my Pillow

I promised myself I will not cry because of him anymore but I still do. Here I am crying my eyes out because of the same damn thing. I think he is out there having a great time smiling, I am not crying because he is smiling, i am crying because i am not there with him. Am I really selfish or I am just stupid? I still don't understand why he never wanted me to be part of his world and here I am crying because of it. I don't know if I am holding on to something I should have let go long time ago. I really don't know how or what to believe anymore, I can't even trust my own judgement now. It's so hard to be in the position I am in and i am not sure how to go about moving forward. I don't want to inhibit myself for living a peaceful life and enjoying the feeling of being inlove and yet I still let him hurt me this much. Maybe I am just a plain idiotic person, so stubborn to accept that fact that what I believe is meant to be really isn't. i don't know anymore... so confuse and so tired of myself ranting about the same thing over and over again... so tired arguing and trying to figure him out... it's a constant roller coaster relationship, sometimes I honestly think he loves me too but other times i think he just wants me but not love me... seems like he just want to keep me around 'coz I am the most idiotic stupid woman who had fallen inlove with him... I don't know anymore, i am weary and so confuse... I hate feeling this way....